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End of mat leave…

So tomorrow I go back to work. Needing a holiday to recover from my time off, exhausted, emotional and dreading not spending enough time with my bubba.

Other half is being a bellend as per usual. Moaning cos I had a go at him for getting up at 1pm, ‘I’m knackered, I was at work till 2am.’ Well that’s twice as much sleep as I get most nights motherfucker. I ask how he’ll cope with getting up before 8 daily as he has the first two week I’m back off, ‘I’ll just go to bed earlier than you do.’ Why do they not understand that we get NO time to ourselves during the day so after bedtime it’s time to do stuff. For me that generally means washing up, sorting clothes out and maybe catching a bit of telly. Screaming row ensued, now I’m sitting sobbing in the bath as he prepares dinner (has invited all his family over again). I’m already an emotional mess today, can’t cope with this too.

Every time I look at bubba it makes me cry. I can’t bear that I won’t be there when she wakes up tomorrow 😦 😦 I know she’ll be fine, she loves her daddy. It’s more myself I’m concerned about. Get the first week over and I’ll be fine, I have to be.

Relationship wrecker

So before our bubba arrived we were happy, yeah we had our moments but life was sweet. Not so much now. Safe to say having a baby has driven us apart massively. We both love her, I cannot imagine life without her, she’s amazing. But as a couple, we no longer fit. I cannot tell you the last time we hugged, kissed let alone had sex. It’s both our faults. I am tired, sleep deprived, low in confidence, borderline cinderfuckingrella. I have totally lost myself. But he is lazy, selfish, uncomplimentary, unhelpful – stays in bed till midday when I get up at 7am. Last week I told him I thought I might have PND, his response ‘go to to doctor then,’ not how can I help or come here for a cuddle. All you really want some days is a cuddle, or a night out, Large gin!!

A humbling moment

After my moaning about how I look I had a think back over my day. Whilst changing my baby I got chatting to the lady next to me, changing who I assumed was her granddaughter. The baby was an adorable black girl while the lady was white, hence I assumed that was the relationship. After chatting to her I found that she was in fact her foster carer as the mother had died when she was two weeks old. She had breast cancer and discovered it when she had the happy news she was pregnant, what a cruel, cruel twist of fate. The baby was delivered 2 months early, I’m assuming so the mummy could get cancer treatment. What a little warrior to be born early, the only comfort is that at least her mummy got some time. Thinking about her breaks my heart. My biggest fear is not being here to seen my girl grow up. To wipe her tears, hug her tight, make sure she eats her veggies and comfort her when she has bad dreams. Imagining how that lady must have felt knowing she would be leaving her beautiful girl is hard to comprehend. We are so lucky. The baby is also lucky to have a caring foster Mum who obviously adores her and is trying to adopt her as was the mummies wish before she passed. But what a bittersweet, selfless job to take someone else sweetheart and care for her. My heart aches for them.

Yuk…

At the risk of sounding vain, I saw a photo of myself today, taken today on a day when I felt relatively good about myself. I looked ugly. Fat, knackered and old. Not sure when this happened, I used to quite like photos of myself pre-baby. I can’t be bothered to diet – too tired so constantly want sugar. I’m still 3 stone over my ‘happy weight’, 2 stone over my ‘pre-Boyfriend’ weight and 1 stone over my pre- baby weight. I have a beautiful, healthy bubba who I adore but I can’t help missing the bubbly, confident, sexy woman I was before. It must be the same for my other half, he must look at me and think that it’s not what he signed up for?! He’s gained his darling daughter but lost his lover and partner in crime. Feeling very shallow right now!!!

I’m a wreck!!

So tonight I am a crying mess!! It all started because I began researching weaning on Pinterest as my little one is 5 months next week, this led to me reading an article about the last time a lady nursed her daughter…that was it! Floodgates open, still can’t stop now and it was an hour ago! Other half thinks I’m funny but gave me a cuddle, he doesn’t get that it’s so different for him. The thought of her being a toddler is exciting for us both but especially for him, I like her as a baby, dare I say it, I like that she’s depending on me for everything! Breastfeeding was such a tough journey to begin with and I’m so proud that we’ve made it this far, she’s thriving and that makes me puff my chest out a bit haha! I grew her and now I sustain her, it’s amazing really.

It’s been an emotional day anyway as it was third injections time so our happy little bear has been whimpering all night bless her, so upsetting to hear. Also I’m working a day tomorrow so I’m leaving her for a few hours. I’ve been out and left her (obvs with grandparents not with the cats!!) in lots of occasions but it feels different this time. I won’t be able to wait to get back to my munchkin and give her a cuddle. It’s the beginning of the descend back into work…11 weeks, definitely counting 😦

No parenting?!

So apparently getting drunk on a Saturday night and getting in after 2am, having not remembered what takeaway you’d bought means zero parenting is done all Sunday. For the record he remembered what a great deal he got for the food but not what it actually was. Went upstairs to watch Footie at 5pm and never came down. I was up at 7am, while he snoozed making himself late for Sunday league, he did make it shockingly. Arrived home at 12pm and briefly played with little one while I packed for our holiday tomorrow then snored in front of tv till he disappeared to his cess pit. I may add here that little one is teething and has a meltdown around

7 every night currently, had my mother not been here I may have plonked her to scream next to him.

This blog should be renamed why are men shit.

Second to it all…

So, Sunday, our day off together. Well he usually plays football but it’s cancelled this week so a chance for a nice family lie in and the he can actually spend time with little one. First spanner in the works, my poor puss cat is ill, has been in vets since Thursday. He came home last night but I have to take him back today. Then other half pisses all over the plans by announcing he HAS to work this morning because ‘no one else can do it’, it’s only 8-12 he says. This now means our relaxing lie in and turned into me trying to get someone to have her for any hour so I haven’t got to juggle baby and huge cat (who weighs lots more than the bubba!!)

Bloody sick of being put second, sick of the inconsiderate bastards at his work not appreciating the fact he has a 14 week old baby at home. Sick of never getting a lie in as the ‘I’ll get up with her, you stay in bed’ sentiment has already faded, he’s ‘tired’ because he’s had to work all day. Clearly keeping our child alive and doing EVERYTHING to do with the house and our lives isn’t work??!! Just for once will you say NO when someone needs to work, yes I understand you’re the boss but for gods sake sort it out!!!!

Baby classes…

Not really sure why I put myself through it when lil one protests all the way through. The first lights class, she cried drowning out the songs, quite liked the explore the room bit then sat with fists clenched at the end whilst the jolly leader sang her heart out. The second one was worse, a dirty protest ten mins in then I had to feed her for half of it to calm her! £5.50 for a bloody feeding session haha.

Last week she tried swimming with her daddy, slightly more successful. We managed 25 mins of her pissed off resting face till she cried. In fairness they did dunk her under!

So today we have a baby yoga/massage/music class, we will see what mood she feels like today. Currently kipping, will wake her for a feed a half past and the leave it up to the gods.

Maybe after this round we won’t be booking anymore haha.

Hormonal AF

Sitting 4 hours into almost constant feeding, hollow legs this one. Other half is not back on time – standard, so a mugshot and toast for dinner. Diets going well. Had a decent day, brekkie with dad then crazy strong coffee with cake with another baby momma. So WHY do I feel so sad?! Bloody post preggers hormones are a bastard. Having a little cry whilst looking at bubba, thinking how sweet she is. Thinking how fat/tired/pale/bloaty I look. Not sure if I’m crying for my former being able to eat proper food life. Crying for the sleep I once had. Crying for the slightly broken relationship with him as we fumble our clueless way through early parenthood. The who’s more tired contest, having nothing to talk about apart from baby poo. Me resenting his freedom from the house, him resenting me not having to work. I get a sweet, sleepy, milky smile and it all seems worth it but still I’m sad.

Why are men shit…

An age old question I know. But what exactly do they think we do all day, currently 4 months into my maternity leave and I swear he thinks I sit on my fat arse watching Jeremy Kyle!! I have managed to keep our daughter alive and perfectly healthy for nearly 3 months, we have clean clothes, tidy house and two living cats! He on the other hand works, cooks dinner a couple of nights and generally makes a mess. Example, dirty boxers DOWN THE SIDE OF THE SOFA?!! Really, you’re fucking 31 years old! Grrrrrrr!! He also does manlike things such as leaving butter out, puts iron on the cool setting, leaves dirty clothes on bathroom floor and poo skids on the loo! Maaaaan it’s a bloody good job he’s funny!!!

Rant over.